Tales of Vault 867 - Part Twelve

Well well well! It looks like the Raiders are finally coming up with some new strategies. Perhaps they'll finally become the legitimate threat they've always meant to be.

Or not.

Apparently they thought sending a stand-up comedian to the door to beg for his life would get us to open ourselves up for another raid. Which, unfortunately, it did, because my Dwellers are idiots. Fortunately so are the Raiders, and we were able to get the doors sealed again in time.

Fortunately the "comedian" turned out to be just another Wasteland lunatic, but one with an advanced understanding of water purification and our processing equipment. Ever since he got here we've had much fewer incidents with flammable molerats in the drinking water.

Unfortunately he couldn't do anything about the highly-flammable intoxicants Scumbag Owens has been storing in his hab block. It's amazing how fast full-term pregnant women can run when properly motivated.

I set up an education block in the lower levels in an attempt to raise the average I.Q. in the Vault. Our teaching staff... leaves something to be desired.

In spite of these setbacks, we've actually seen a pretty large uptick in Dwellers coming in from the Wasteland. I assume Terry's attempts to recruit for his traitor armies have just spread the word about what a well-run organization we are.

Naturally I've had them all quarantined and subjected to interrogation. The Traitor hasn't put in an appearance in months, and I'm confident his evil has finally been put to rest.

Tales of Vault 867 - Part Eleven

Another day, another attempt by High Traitor Terry to take over the Vault. Fortunately our brave Dwellers were able to see the threat off with minimal losses.

I'm honestly having trouble figuring out why Terry bothers with this anymore. What can he possibly throw at us besides more Wasteland trash?

All attempts to kill sterilize discourage the fecundity of Scumbag Owens have failed. I'm starting to suspect the man intends to replace my benevolent dictatorship oversight with a patriarchal tyranny. If so, he should probably start treating his partners a little better. Jesus, Owens.

The Ninja spy remains among the cafeteria staff. He has made a friend, thus confirming that he's not simply a delusion brought on by isolation. So that's a load off.

Down below, we're dealing with yet more molerat outbreaks. I've assigned some of the Dwellers to do nothing but clear them out, before they eat our entire food store. To their credit they're approaching the new job with a positive attitude.

Tales of Vault 867 - Part Ten

A fine rhetorical question! But as it turns out we have an actual answer. Meet our newest Vault resident:

You probably can't see him because he's a freaking ninja.

I have no idea who he is or why he's in the Vault. I've ordered him removed five times now, and every time he vanishes until I call off the Dwellers. And then he tends the cafeteria.

Since he's a blatantly obvious spy for Number One Traitor Terry I've decided to let him do whatever he's planning on doing. As long as I know that he knows that I know what he's up to, I have the upper hand. (Right? Note to self: double check my grammar before I log this.)

In other news the incessant baby boom continues.

I am giving long thought to lifting the ban on mole rat pets in hopes of sterilizing some of these morons. What part of "limited resources" do they not understand?

Number One Traitor sent more Raiders to attack the perfection of our Vault. His pitiful forces will never succeed in overthrowing my reign!

Groovy Gary led the defense and acquitted himself with honor. He will not be sterilized. Intentionally.

Which is more than I can say for Scumbag Owens. Enough with the damn roofies already!

As a side project, Doctor Adreno managed to capture a Radroach for study.

Apparently at some point she decided the best course of action was to use gene therapy to create a fire-breathing Radroach. Given what happened next I can't even be bothered to ask what the point of that was.

Tales of Vault 867 - Part Nine

Well, whatever chemicals Scumbag slipped into the water supply appear to have afflicted the whole Vault, as the baby boom continues apace. At this point I'm seriously considering training them up to go out and forage for cans of Nuka Cola.

Groovy Gary and Dessicator Jones spent a solid ten hours chatting each other up. It... didn't go well.

Which was nothing compared to the recurring molerat problems. A breeding pair got into the water system and erupted to say "How do you do!" to Fat Tommy.

Rest in peace, Fat Tommy. Naturally I ordered some of our nearby Dwellers in to cull the nest, and...

Rest in peace, Richards brothers. I'm sure your girlfriend will remember you fondly for all of five seconds. (Note to self: work out who is manufacturing lingerie for the female Dwellers.)

No sightings of Captain Terry, but more and more Dwellers are going out into the Wasteland for undocumented excursions. I'm doubling work on the Shaft before this rebellion gets out of hand.

Tales of Vault 867 - Part Eight

Just freaking spiffy. Captain Terry finally goes missing in the Wasteland, and rather than let him die two of my best people get up an unauthorized rescue mission.

What's going to happen if we get hit by Raiders, ladies? Because we're totally getting hit with Raiders right now.

To beef up security and prepare for Terry's inevitable assault, I've ordered a secondary Vault built at the bottom of the elevator shaft. Might as well get some use out of the damn thing before it breaches R'leyh.

Hilltop Hattie was out in the Wasteland with Terry and warned me about his seditious talk, so I've assigned her to head up the new Vault. I'm a bit light on people I can trust, so I initially assigned her to cover it solo.

Which would have been fine, except somebody let this asshole in.

(What the hell kind of camera glitch is that?)

This greaser immediately cozied up to Hattie and convinced her to let him open a bar in the new Vault. A bar. We don't even have alcohol beyond what the Gasmonger brews up from the radioactive sump in Corridor G!

Scumbag Owens immediately began chatting up some of the Vault Kids I'd detailed to help out Hattie.

With predictable results. Once again I'm forced to bemoan Vault-Tec's inability to provide prophylactics to our merry Dwellers.

Unfortunately Owens didn't stop there...

 

(At least one of the Vault Kids understands how STDs work.)

And then he kept going. Where did he find lingerie?

 

I'm going to have to seriously investigate whether Owens slipped some mind-control substances into the water supply. Or, maybe it's the jacket.

Nothing much else to report except for the usual outbreaks of vermin and random fires.

I'm... I'm pretty sure someone already said that.