Monday, December 30, 2013

The Desolation of Smaug

I saw The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug over the weekend and thought I'd post a short summary of the movie with some, er, annotations. Needless to say, spoilers. Oh my God so many spoilers for a book that's nearly a hundred years old.


Audience: Why are we in Bree OH LOOK IT'S PETER JACKSON
Audience: Is that young Aragorn oh I guess it's not young Aragorn I kind of thought it might be young Aragorn.

Bilbo: HOLY CRAP A BEAR
Gandalf: Yes asshole, I know about the bear! We gotta hide in this house.
Bilbo: Whose house is this?
Gandalf: The bear's house. SHUT UP

Beorn: I am a generic neanderthal Viking werebear.
Bilbo: You were a lot more fun in the books.
Beorn: You made fun of Peter Jackson's songs. You don't get any more joy in this series.

Azog: STILL ALIVE MOTHERFUCKERS
Bolg: I was in charge in the books. Grumble mumble.

Spiders: Eats them all!
Bilbo: HOLY SHIT STAB
Spiders: It stings!
Sting: And that's how I got the name.

Bilbo: Attercop?
Peter Jackson: I TOLD YOU NO MORE JOY IN THIS SERIES
Bilbo: Didn't I spend most of this part of the book being invisible?
Peter Jackson: Oh sure, that would look good on film.

Tauriel: I am perfect and I will die horribly in the third movie.
Legolas: I am perfect and I will live through all the movies.
Tauriel: Ours is a doomed love.

Gandalf: Guess I better look in this perilous hole. HOLY SHIT
Radagast: Hi! *hic*
Gandalf: WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR

Thorin: You abandoned my people to a dragon!
Thranduil: DO NOT TALK TO ME OF DRAGON FIRE
Thorin: OH my GOD what's wrong with your FAAAACE

Gandalf: Hey Necromancer, get out here!
Azog: Heh, dumbass.

Thranduil: Do you love my son?
Tauriel: I don't know, I don't think he likes me...
Thranduil: He totally does.
Tauriel: Oh my... *blush*
Thranduil: Don't you dare touch him though.
Tauriel: Oh.
Thranduil: Yeah.

Kili: My mother gave me this stone that'll kill you if you read it. LOL J/K
Tauriel: Ours is a doomed love.
Kili: At least you've got a chance to live through the next movie.
Legolas: Stay away from my girl, dwarf.
Kili: OH my GOD what's wrong with your FAAAACE

Bilbo: Get in the barrels!
Dwarfs: Okay. Wait FUCK
Bilbo: Good, now I just have to... oh.
Peter Jackson: HOW DID THIS HUMOR GET IN HERE

Kili: OW MY LEG
Tauriel: Oh no, now I have an excuse to stay in the movie!

Gandalf: Hey Necromancer, get out-
Sauron: LOL OKAY
Gandalf: SAU... RON...
Sauron: MAKE FUN OF MY GIANT FLAMING EYE, WILL YOU?
Audience: THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME

Bard: I'm going to be too important later to save for the next movie.
Tolkien Nerds: That seems reasonable.
Bard: Check out my black arrow, it's a siege weapon.
Tolkien Nerds: WTF
Bard: How much you want to bet I can't talk to birds anymore?

Stephen Fry: Take all the humor out of The Hobbit, will you?
Peter Jackson: Watch it or I'll kill you in the next movie.

Dwarfs: We can't open this door. Fuck it, let's go home.
Bilbo: Wait, the door's opening-
Dwarfs: YOU'RE AWESOME. Now go into the dragon hole and get us our rock.

Bilbo: Okay, so if I'm this big and the dragon is this big, I'm proper fucked...
Peter Jackson: STOP AMUSING THE AUDIENCE

Benedict Cumberbatch: I AM SMAUG AND I AM AWESOME
Audience: HELL YES YOU ARE

Thorin: Do you have my rock?
Bilbo: GREAT BIG DRAGON
Thorin: GIVE ME MY FUCKING ROCK OR I WILL STAB YOU
Bilbo: Good thing I didn't tell him about the Ring.

Gandalf: Wasn't I in this movie earlier?

Kili, Tauriel, Legolas, Bolg, Bard: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN LAKE TOWN

Thorin: We have to lead Smaug into the forges!
Bilbo: Something about this plan seems off.

Thorin: HAH TAKE THAT DRAGON
Benedict Cumberbatch: Ah. Just so we're clear, your big plan was to drown the fire-breathing dragon in molten gold?
Thorin: Er, yes?
Benedict Cumberbatch: SMAUG'S GONNA MAKE IT RAIN UP IN HERE
Thorin: That worked a lot better in Game of Thrones.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I am fire. I am... Death.
Martin Freeman: What have we done?
Peter Jackson: To be continued in Sherlock season three!
Audience: WTF

(I should note: In spite of the above I thought the movie was okay. My wife loved it, we both thought it was a bit too long. But Smaug alone is worth the ticket price if you want to see a dragon done right.)

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Fever Dreams of Nurgle

I remember once, I think, I wanted to write something... but that thought is gone now, washed away in a tidal flood of snot and blood and sweat.

Nobody warns you when you have a kid that you are putting yourself at risk of getting every childhood disease known to man, again. Well, they may warn you, but they say "just wash him when he comes home from daycare and you'll be fine." Liars, all.

Daycare is not a place where loving people care for your child while you work to support him. Daycare is a festering plague pit where only the strong survive. I've been to the pediatric emergency room twice since Ben started daycare over fevers that turned out to be almost nothing, then he got pinkeye.

My wife has been sick for a solid month. She actually talks to people in that hellhole. Upper respiratory infection, bronchitis, strep throat, pinkeye, upper respiratory infection again... I've honestly lost track and I'm not sure either of us has an accurate tally. I escaped the reckoning for awhile, but I've been sick for a week now with something in my nose and throat and an ear infection that came from nowhere.

Neither of us has any paid leave left. I'm relying on a Higher Power to get me out of work to see my family on Christmas Eve. Possibly that power is meteorological.

We have three great-grandparents who haven't met Ben yet, and because we want him to continue to have those great-grandparents they won't meet him until everyone is healthy. Current estimates set that sometime in October. 2015.

Everyone got flu shots, the TDaP booster, and the other necessary illness prevention treatments, but they are helpless before the wrath of a strange toddler with pink eyes and grabby hands. (Still no autism, mind.)

And now Ben, who has been healthy since he got over the pinkeye, had his nose fill up with snot tonight and is warm. Not feverish, just warm. I suspect the cycle is about to start again...



Isn't he adorable? Wash your hands. Don't touch your eyes.