The Desolation of Smaug

I saw The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug over the weekend and thought I'd post a short summary of the movie with some, er, annotations. Needless to say, spoilers. Oh my God so many spoilers for a book that's nearly a hundred years old.


Audience: Why are we in Bree OH LOOK IT'S PETER JACKSON
Audience: Is that young Aragorn oh I guess it's not young Aragorn I kind of thought it might be young Aragorn.

Bilbo: HOLY CRAP A BEAR
Gandalf: Yes asshole, I know about the bear! We gotta hide in this house.
Bilbo: Whose house is this?
Gandalf: The bear's house. SHUT UP

Beorn: I am a generic neanderthal Viking werebear.
Bilbo: You were a lot more fun in the books.
Beorn: You made fun of Peter Jackson's songs. You don't get any more joy in this series.

Azog: STILL ALIVE MOTHERFUCKERS
Bolg: I was in charge in the books. Grumble mumble.

Spiders: Eats them all!
Bilbo: HOLY SHIT STAB
Spiders: It stings!
Sting: And that's how I got the name.

Bilbo: Attercop?
Peter Jackson: I TOLD YOU NO MORE JOY IN THIS SERIES
Bilbo: Didn't I spend most of this part of the book being invisible?
Peter Jackson: Oh sure, that would look good on film.

Tauriel: I am perfect and I will die horribly in the third movie.
Legolas: I am perfect and I will live through all the movies.
Tauriel: Ours is a doomed love.

Gandalf: Guess I better look in this perilous hole. HOLY SHIT
Radagast: Hi! *hic*
Gandalf: WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR

Thorin: You abandoned my people to a dragon!
Thranduil: DO NOT TALK TO ME OF DRAGON FIRE
Thorin: OH my GOD what's wrong with your FAAAACE

Gandalf: Hey Necromancer, get out here!
Azog: Heh, dumbass.

Thranduil: Do you love my son?
Tauriel: I don't know, I don't think he likes me...
Thranduil: He totally does.
Tauriel: Oh my... *blush*
Thranduil: Don't you dare touch him though.
Tauriel: Oh.
Thranduil: Yeah.

Kili: My mother gave me this stone that'll kill you if you read it. LOL J/K
Tauriel: Ours is a doomed love.
Kili: At least you've got a chance to live through the next movie.
Legolas: Stay away from my girl, dwarf.
Kili: OH my GOD what's wrong with your FAAAACE

Bilbo: Get in the barrels!
Dwarfs: Okay. Wait FUCK
Bilbo: Good, now I just have to... oh.
Peter Jackson: HOW DID THIS HUMOR GET IN HERE

Kili: OW MY LEG
Tauriel: Oh no, now I have an excuse to stay in the movie!

Gandalf: Hey Necromancer, get out-
Sauron: LOL OKAY
Gandalf: SAU... RON...
Sauron: MAKE FUN OF MY GIANT FLAMING EYE, WILL YOU?
Audience: THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME

Bard: I'm going to be too important later to save for the next movie.
Tolkien Nerds: That seems reasonable.
Bard: Check out my black arrow, it's a siege weapon.
Tolkien Nerds: WTF
Bard: How much you want to bet I can't talk to birds anymore?

Stephen Fry: Take all the humor out of The Hobbit, will you?
Peter Jackson: Watch it or I'll kill you in the next movie.

Dwarfs: We can't open this door. Fuck it, let's go home.
Bilbo: Wait, the door's opening-
Dwarfs: YOU'RE AWESOME. Now go into the dragon hole and get us our rock.

Bilbo: Okay, so if I'm this big and the dragon is this big, I'm proper fucked...
Peter Jackson: STOP AMUSING THE AUDIENCE

Benedict Cumberbatch: I AM SMAUG AND I AM AWESOME
Audience: HELL YES YOU ARE

Thorin: Do you have my rock?
Bilbo: GREAT BIG DRAGON
Thorin: GIVE ME MY FUCKING ROCK OR I WILL STAB YOU
Bilbo: Good thing I didn't tell him about the Ring.

Gandalf: Wasn't I in this movie earlier?

Kili, Tauriel, Legolas, Bolg, Bard: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN LAKE TOWN

Thorin: We have to lead Smaug into the forges!
Bilbo: Something about this plan seems off.

Thorin: HAH TAKE THAT DRAGON
Benedict Cumberbatch: Ah. Just so we're clear, your big plan was to drown the fire-breathing dragon in molten gold?
Thorin: Er, yes?
Benedict Cumberbatch: SMAUG'S GONNA MAKE IT RAIN UP IN HERE
Thorin: That worked a lot better in Game of Thrones.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I am fire. I am... Death.
Martin Freeman: What have we done?
Peter Jackson: To be continued in Sherlock season three!
Audience: WTF

(I should note: In spite of the above I thought the movie was okay. My wife loved it, we both thought it was a bit too long. But Smaug alone is worth the ticket price if you want to see a dragon done right.)