Blatant Nintendo Advertising

This is the Nintendo 3DS. I got one (the XL version) from my wife for Christmas. It is the single greatest device a new parent gamer can own. Let me tell you why.

The 3DS is small, but not too small, and the XL version is a solid size without being too large. You can carry them both in your pocket easily, and you can hold one up and play it well enough even if you have, say, an infant sleeping on your chest.

The 3DS flips closed, which makes it durable. Cracking the screen is a mean feat. Odds are good your infant will not sneeze, spit or vomit on your 3DS screen, and he can gum it with relative impunity.

The 3DS is one of the cheapest game systems on the market, even the high end versions. The games are all cheaper than console games, by at least $20. Even game downloads can be had cheaply if you catch the right sale.

The 3DS was built from the ground up to deal with interruptions. For any game, you can flip the 3DS closed and it will pause. Flip it open and you can start playing again - easy as that. If you don't get back to it for a few days, the battery will probably still be fine. Standby mode is awesome and needs to be a thing on every system possible.

The 3DS has a switch to turn the 3D effect off. If you like 3D, more power to you.

The 3DS has a ton of games in all genres. If you don't like them, it also plays all the old DS games. If you don't like those, you can download classic Nintendo games. You will not lack for games to play.

So needless to say, I'm enamored with my new game system. Having a handheld lets me take advantage of Ben's naps to game without booting my wife off the television when she's trying to wind down after a work night. And the games are pretty sweet. Here's what I've played so far:

Super Mario 3D Land: I'm not sure I really have to explain why a main Mario game is awesome, but imagine Super Mario 64, updated and improved in every way, and set up for classic Mario levels, and you'll get a pretty good idea why I'm already in World 7 on this one.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds: The classic A Link to the Past on the Super Nintendo was one of my favorite Zelda games. This one has all the same charm and gameplay, and adds in challenging  puzzles and dungeons for a completely new experience. I'm already in the "Dark" world, and I can't even describe the twists they've put in there without spoiling things.

Shin Megami Tensei: I honestly downloaded this because A. it's supposedly one of the best RPGs on the 3DS, and B. it was $20 off the list price (and still is until tomorrow), even compared to Amazon. Hard to pass that sort of deal up. I've been too busy with Mario and Zelda to get very far into it, but it's looking good so far. Update: Oh my God this really is Atlus hard!

Bravely Default (demo): I'm not sure how to Brave or Default yet, but Square put a hell of a lot of effort into the demo, making an entirely separate quest line from the main game that gives you some advantages when it comes out. I'll be exploring this demo in more depth over the next couple of weeks to decide if I'll play the actual game.

Fire Emblem: Awakening (demo): This actually seems like a pretty sweet strategy game, based on the demo. The controls and actions aren't overcomplicated, but the relationship function between your units promises loads of complicated strategy trickery. On my list to pick up later.

Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies: Pretty sweet game, with a strong sense of humor and an interesting (if completely unrealistic) legal mechanic. I'll be picking this up when I have a free slot.








That's the good stuff. There are a few other demos I've tried, but they haven't been great:

Super Mario Dream Team (demo): I immediately glom onto Mario RPGs, and never finish them. The demo for this one demonstrated funky controls involving controlling Mario and Luigi at the same time, so no thanks. I might try out the Paper Mario game later if the price is right.

Resident Evil Revelations (demo): I tried the demo for this on the XBox 360 and the 3DS, and gave it a pass both times. The weird squid monster enemies (no zombies!) and tacked on gimmicks threw me off. I watched a video playthrough of the game and I'm satisfied with that.

Project X Zone (demo): The total opposite of Fire Emblem. It should be crazy awesome and full of Capcom characters I love, but the actual gameplay in the demo makes no sense and doesn't interest me and the Capcom characters I either don't recognize or don't care about, except Ken and Ryu. Kind of disappointing. Also why is the demo limited to only five plays?

2 Fast 4 Gnomez (demo): A running game. Go right, collect socks. I could download 50 versions of this same game on my phone. No thanks.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow - Mirror of Fate (demo): Apparently an attempt to make a 2D Castlevania game with the 3D engine, characters, and requirement to hit enemies way too many times to kill them. I outright hated playing this well before I found out a Belmont can take fall damage so no, I won't be picking this up.






And there are other games I'd like to play, but I'm determined to keep myself in check until I've finished the ones I have. Which includes a playthrough of the Final Fantasy IV remake for the DS.

So if I say on this blog this year that I don't have time to write? Blatant lies.

*runs off to scribble down notes on a little girl's spooky best friend*

*and play Zelda*

The Desolation of Smaug

I saw The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug over the weekend and thought I'd post a short summary of the movie with some, er, annotations. Needless to say, spoilers. Oh my God so many spoilers for a book that's nearly a hundred years old.


Audience: Why are we in Bree OH LOOK IT'S PETER JACKSON
Audience: Is that young Aragorn oh I guess it's not young Aragorn I kind of thought it might be young Aragorn.

Bilbo: HOLY CRAP A BEAR
Gandalf: Yes asshole, I know about the bear! We gotta hide in this house.
Bilbo: Whose house is this?
Gandalf: The bear's house. SHUT UP

Beorn: I am a generic neanderthal Viking werebear.
Bilbo: You were a lot more fun in the books.
Beorn: You made fun of Peter Jackson's songs. You don't get any more joy in this series.

Azog: STILL ALIVE MOTHERFUCKERS
Bolg: I was in charge in the books. Grumble mumble.

Spiders: Eats them all!
Bilbo: HOLY SHIT STAB
Spiders: It stings!
Sting: And that's how I got the name.

Bilbo: Attercop?
Peter Jackson: I TOLD YOU NO MORE JOY IN THIS SERIES
Bilbo: Didn't I spend most of this part of the book being invisible?
Peter Jackson: Oh sure, that would look good on film.

Tauriel: I am perfect and I will die horribly in the third movie.
Legolas: I am perfect and I will live through all the movies.
Tauriel: Ours is a doomed love.

Gandalf: Guess I better look in this perilous hole. HOLY SHIT
Radagast: Hi! *hic*
Gandalf: WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR

Thorin: You abandoned my people to a dragon!
Thranduil: DO NOT TALK TO ME OF DRAGON FIRE
Thorin: OH my GOD what's wrong with your FAAAACE

Gandalf: Hey Necromancer, get out here!
Azog: Heh, dumbass.

Thranduil: Do you love my son?
Tauriel: I don't know, I don't think he likes me...
Thranduil: He totally does.
Tauriel: Oh my... *blush*
Thranduil: Don't you dare touch him though.
Tauriel: Oh.
Thranduil: Yeah.

Kili: My mother gave me this stone that'll kill you if you read it. LOL J/K
Tauriel: Ours is a doomed love.
Kili: At least you've got a chance to live through the next movie.
Legolas: Stay away from my girl, dwarf.
Kili: OH my GOD what's wrong with your FAAAACE

Bilbo: Get in the barrels!
Dwarfs: Okay. Wait FUCK
Bilbo: Good, now I just have to... oh.
Peter Jackson: HOW DID THIS HUMOR GET IN HERE

Kili: OW MY LEG
Tauriel: Oh no, now I have an excuse to stay in the movie!

Gandalf: Hey Necromancer, get out-
Sauron: LOL OKAY
Gandalf: SAU... RON...
Sauron: MAKE FUN OF MY GIANT FLAMING EYE, WILL YOU?
Audience: THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME

Bard: I'm going to be too important later to save for the next movie.
Tolkien Nerds: That seems reasonable.
Bard: Check out my black arrow, it's a siege weapon.
Tolkien Nerds: WTF
Bard: How much you want to bet I can't talk to birds anymore?

Stephen Fry: Take all the humor out of The Hobbit, will you?
Peter Jackson: Watch it or I'll kill you in the next movie.

Dwarfs: We can't open this door. Fuck it, let's go home.
Bilbo: Wait, the door's opening-
Dwarfs: YOU'RE AWESOME. Now go into the dragon hole and get us our rock.

Bilbo: Okay, so if I'm this big and the dragon is this big, I'm proper fucked...
Peter Jackson: STOP AMUSING THE AUDIENCE

Benedict Cumberbatch: I AM SMAUG AND I AM AWESOME
Audience: HELL YES YOU ARE

Thorin: Do you have my rock?
Bilbo: GREAT BIG DRAGON
Thorin: GIVE ME MY FUCKING ROCK OR I WILL STAB YOU
Bilbo: Good thing I didn't tell him about the Ring.

Gandalf: Wasn't I in this movie earlier?

Kili, Tauriel, Legolas, Bolg, Bard: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN LAKE TOWN

Thorin: We have to lead Smaug into the forges!
Bilbo: Something about this plan seems off.

Thorin: HAH TAKE THAT DRAGON
Benedict Cumberbatch: Ah. Just so we're clear, your big plan was to drown the fire-breathing dragon in molten gold?
Thorin: Er, yes?
Benedict Cumberbatch: SMAUG'S GONNA MAKE IT RAIN UP IN HERE
Thorin: That worked a lot better in Game of Thrones.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I am fire. I am... Death.
Martin Freeman: What have we done?
Peter Jackson: To be continued in Sherlock season three!
Audience: WTF

(I should note: In spite of the above I thought the movie was okay. My wife loved it, we both thought it was a bit too long. But Smaug alone is worth the ticket price if you want to see a dragon done right.)

The Fever Dreams of Nurgle

I remember once, I think, I wanted to write something... but that thought is gone now, washed away in a tidal flood of snot and blood and sweat.

Nobody warns you when you have a kid that you are putting yourself at risk of getting every childhood disease known to man, again. Well, they may warn you, but they say "just wash him when he comes home from daycare and you'll be fine." Liars, all.

Daycare is not a place where loving people care for your child while you work to support him. Daycare is a festering plague pit where only the strong survive. I've been to the pediatric emergency room twice since Ben started daycare over fevers that turned out to be almost nothing, then he got pinkeye.

My wife has been sick for a solid month. She actually talks to people in that hellhole. Upper respiratory infection, bronchitis, strep throat, pinkeye, upper respiratory infection again... I've honestly lost track and I'm not sure either of us has an accurate tally. I escaped the reckoning for awhile, but I've been sick for a week now with something in my nose and throat and an ear infection that came from nowhere.

Neither of us has any paid leave left. I'm relying on a Higher Power to get me out of work to see my family on Christmas Eve. Possibly that power is meteorological.

We have three great-grandparents who haven't met Ben yet, and because we want him to continue to have those great-grandparents they won't meet him until everyone is healthy. Current estimates set that sometime in October. 2015.

Everyone got flu shots, the TDaP booster, and the other necessary illness prevention treatments, but they are helpless before the wrath of a strange toddler with pink eyes and grabby hands. (Still no autism, mind.)

And now Ben, who has been healthy since he got over the pinkeye, had his nose fill up with snot tonight and is warm. Not feverish, just warm. I suspect the cycle is about to start again...

Isn't he adorable? Wash your hands. Don't touch your eyes.

Top Cow Talent Hunt 2013

So I blow off NaNoWriMo, rededicate myself to my novel, and then Top Cow decides to hold a writing contest.

Really? Now?

Yes, I'm putting a script submission together. I've got a fun Irish Witchblade idea that should hold up for 22 pages and nothing much to lose.

No, I'm not stopping work on the novel. I've just finished putting my notes together for easy access and I'll be drafting a new outline soon.

In other news, I just managed to blow a deadline for the latest Writer's Digest short story competition, but I was planning to expand an existing short story for it and I'm not sure that would have been allowed anyway, so oh well. I've also got a few thoughts toward a new blog series on using a wiki to write (after futzing around with various implementations for waaay too long), so watch this space...

Happy NaNoWriMo! I'm Out, Here's Why

Welcome to National Novel Writing Month! This month you will be encouraged to write an entire novel in only 30 days. It will involve pushing yourself to your limits to get 1,667+ words written every day, no weekends off, no exceptions. You will probably lose some sleep, miss out on some Thanksgiving festivities, offend your spouse or your dog, and find yourself sneaking a few paragraphs in at the office. But once you've reached the end of the month you will have a fully-fledged first draft manuscript, ready to polish into a shining stone of brilliance. And that's awesome. If you're participating, stop reading this post right now and go hammer out that word count.

...Okay then. Any NaNoWriMo peoples who stuck around: folks, you're on your own this year.

I've participated in NaNoWriMo five times now, and enjoyed it every time, even when I didn't finish. It's fun! Turbo-charging your writing output is exhausting, but damn if it doesn't feel good to see all those words on the page.

Here's the thing:

You still have to finish the novel.

The novel you'll have completed by November 30th?  It's still just 50,000 words of rough draft. In today's market that's usually considered a novella, for one thing, but that's quibbling over terminology. What's more important is that those 50,000 words are seat-of-your-pants prose that is almost certainly chock-full of typos, bad metaphors, adverbs, padded descriptions (you can easily add a quick 100 words by elaborating on someone's clothes), and enough plotholes to murder a Vegas tour bus and the tow truck they send out to rescue them.

I've discussed the ghosts of NaNoNovels past before. Suffice to say that none of the four novels I attempted in the past have come off. My latest one, A Boy and his Demon... well I've discussed that too, and I'm still mired in worldbuilding and filling in the details I'll need to put together a coherent universe that will last me through three books. (I am still searching for friendly worldbuilding advice, by the way.) Which is why I'm not participating in NaNoWriMo this year: I'm not abandoning a project that, as far as I'm concerned, is still viable and pretty badass. Even if it drags on for another year.

So what's my point? Am I just writing this to discourage you? Fuck no. Go forth and conquer like a mighty literary giant. But while you're conquering, keep a few things in mind?

1. Take copious notes. I'm serious, every little scrap of idea you have in November should be written down, either in the margins of your notebook or on an index card or a sticky note or typed into a dump file on your computer. You are flying very fast and loose this month and when it comes time to revise, you can't afford to forget anything. If you want to add the notes to your word count I won't tell anyone.

2. Begin and end. Your novel should have both, even if they're terrible. Ideally you should have a fairly solid through-line from one to the other as well. If you can't work out what to write for one section, you are permitted to jot down a brief summary of what you think happens and move on, as long as you still make your word count.

3. Don't stop. A related point: once you reach 50,000 words, keep going until you've got your beginning, ending and through-line. Perhaps your final book is 80,000 words, or 100,000 words, or whatever. Don't stop writing until you've got everything written down, and try to fill in any summaries you were forced to add in November. You are allowed to slow down, if sanity demands, but don't stop.

4. Okay, stop. Once you've got everything down, of course, you can take a breather. Do so. Don't be tempted to start your second draft, because having finished NaNoWriMo you are technically insane and likely to stay that way for at least a month. Use that month to rest and recover. Work on something fun and easy for a bit, go outside, reconnect with friends and family, eat something horrible for you, go run a marathon, whatever. Just don't look at your novel yet.

5. Now go again. Once your month is up and you're well rested, open up your manuscript and take a look. Carry a red pen and, again, take copious notes as you read through. Try to do this as quickly as you can. Your goal is to get a broad idea of what shape your novel is in and where you're going to need to do the most work. You are not correcting spelling and grammar, because you will be tossing out entire sections of the manuscript and there isn't much point yet. Just get a high-level view of your novel. Then, start patching.

There's probably a step six, but if so I'm not done with it yet. And you don't have time to read it anyway! What are you still doing here? Go! Write! Be fruitful and inkify!